7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen, or else..

I recently had someone find my blog using the search term 'reasons why the royal wedding should not happen'. Given that there are only a few weeks until the wedding, this a strange thing to search for. Not that it isn't possible the royal wedding could be cancelled but I think it's unlikely. To reassure those who might be worried, I've decided to counter this question with 7 reasons why the royal wedding WILL happen.

1) The tea towels have been prepared, along with other tacky souvenirs

Flashback 1981: Andrew Morton's book, Diana a True Story, page 64. Diana recalls that during lunch with her sisters she discussed backing out and they replied 'Bad luck Duch' (family nickname), 'Your face is on the tea-towels so you're too late to chicken out now.'  30 years later those words still ring true.

2) We are expecting it happen, therefore it MUST happen

Think of the chaos that would ensue should William, or Kate decide - 'nah, not for me' and bail. CNN would have to pull the 400 reporters and crew they have sent to the wedding. Twitter and royal message boards would fire up, eviscerating those responsible. The UFOs would have to find intelligent life elsewhere. The universe would cave in on itself....

3) The Republican movement needs this wedding

Believe it or not, the republican movement likes the royal wedding. Why? Because it illustrates the excess that the royal family is famous for. With no royal wedding they have no bandwagon to jump on. Then what would they do with their royal wedding mugs?

4) The Royal Family does not need more bad publicity

It's true. They may not even survive the fallout from it. This could be the biggest crisis the royal family has ever had to deal with. Abdication crisis? Big deal. Camillagate - who cares? Diana's death - minor roadblock. It must go ahead, if only to save face.

5) What would royal bloggers and royal watchers (Read: ME) discuss?

Royal blogs do not update themselves, they need material. Without material there is nothing to write about. Once I've we've milked this topic from every conceivable angle for six months, what else would there be to discuss? If there is no wedding then I we cannot predict when the royal divorce will occur. All of the potential topics will be gone. I would We'd have to wait for someone to die in order to recover from the ordeal..

6) Prince William and Kate Middleton would never live it down

There's nothing like dumping your intended at the altar to destroy your reputation. Makes for passably good Rom-Coms, but in reality it's a different story. If Prince William ditches Kate then Prince Harry might just have to step up to the plate. His face is already on the souvenir mug. Instead of seeing this as a mistake, it could be remarkably prescient.

7) We deserve a happy ending

We have waited a long time for this wedding. Endured mystified looks from our friends. Bought overpriced, official commemorative items (See #1). We've followed the torturous ups, downs and tabloid invented close-calls. Our dedication to paying attention to gossipy news stories must be rewarded, damnit!

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Thank you for enjoying this article. If you use the information for research purposes, a link to credit the work I've put into writing it would be appreciated.Source URL: http://weddingdressez.blogspot.com/search/label/Satire
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Is Prince William's hair destroying the monarchy?

The monarchy is facing its biggest crisis to date and they're powerless to do anything to prevent it. They didn't see it coming. Who would have thought it could ever happen? It started about five years ago, slowly chipping away at the the very foundation the monarchy prides itself on.

Its good looks.

Everything they hold sacred as the arbiters of style is at risk. Thank goodness for Kate Middleton. Her long, glossy locks will shore up the ranks. But for now the royals are in trouble. A recent poll showed that Britons want Charles as king instead of William. No wonder. Charles has more hair than William. Coincidence? I think not.

Who is ultimately to blame for William's hair? Diana's father, Earl Spencer was balding therefore it must be her fault. She has obviously done more damage to the monarchy than first thought. Luckily Prince Harry inherited genes from his father otherwise there would be no hope left for the monarchy as we know it. Enter the republican movement at stage right.

The media is already asking tough questions on whether Prince William is losing his appeal. Where's a celebrity scandal when you need it? Isn't there a disaster in another country? No, this is just too big an issue. We cannot ignore reality even if the royal family wants us to. If only there was a big event with lots of pagentry to distract us from the inevitable. So we can celebrate while we still have reason to.

On his wedding day, all eyes will be on Prince William. After all, he is the future of the monarchy. Billions of people watching the gradual demise of the royal family. This could get depressing. Let's hope William's uniform comes with a hat.

© Marilyn Braun 2011

Note: This article is meant to be satirical. I think Prince William looks perfectly fine. :) Kate Middleton is a lucky woman who obviously loves him and her opinion is the only one that counts in this respect.Source URL: http://weddingdressez.blogspot.com/search/label/Satire
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